The 7 stages of grief, and why grief comes in waves instead

Expect grief to come in waves, with several feelings at once rather than one stage at a time, and judge how you are doing by how you get through each day, not by which stage you think you are in.

Waves washing onto a sandy beach at sunset. — Photo: Tiana / Pexels

Area: MindFrom age 14Time to learn: 10 minutes

The popular five- and seven-stage lists were never a map of grief: many people feel several emotions at the same time, painful feelings can return on calm weeks and hard dates, and for most people the intense pain eases over time.

SafetyIf you have thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 in the US or Canada, or call 911 in an emergency.

Why it matters

The five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) come from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's 1969 book On Death and Dying. She based them on more than two hundred dying patients, not bereaved families, and did not test them in any systematic way. The seven-stage lists online are longer versions of the same idea and have no stronger evidence behind them. Yale researchers assessed 233 bereaved adults between 1 and 24 months after a death. Acceptance was the most common response from the first month, and yearning was a stronger painful feeling than disbelief, anger or depression. On average the painful feelings did peak in the order stage theory predicts, all within about six months, but they ran side by side rather than one after another. Anger or disbelief coming back after a calm week does not mean you are grieving wrong.

How to do it

When a wave hits, name it in a few words, such as "missing Dad" or "angry about the hospital", so you know what you are dealing with.
Let it run its course. Stop what you can, breathe slowly and let the feeling rise and fall instead of pushing it away.
Expect mixed feelings at the same time. Sadness, anger, relief, guilt, numbness and even laughter on the same day are all normal parts of grief.
Mark the hard dates in your calendar, such as the person's birthday, holidays and the anniversary of the death, and plan company or a quiet task for those days.
Take breaks from grief. A chore, a walk, a hobby or a film is not forgetting the person, and doing things you enjoy between waves can help your mood.
Keep the basics going: regular meals, some movement and as close to your usual sleep as you can manage. Do not use alcohol or drugs to get through the waves.
Tell one person how you are really doing, instead of "fine". Talking to friends, family or a grief support group helps many people feel less alone.
Check the calendar instead of a stage. If, a year or more after the death (6 months or more for a child or teen), intense longing for the person or preoccupation with them is still there nearly every day and makes daily life hard, see a doctor or counsellor about prolonged grief disorder, which is treatable.
If you think about ending your life, call or text 988 in the US or Canada now, or call 911 if you are in immediate danger.

Common mistakes

Waiting to "reach acceptance" and deciding you have failed when anger or disbelief comes back months later.
Treating a good day, or a laugh, as proof that you did not love the person enough.
Telling someone else which stage of grief they are in, or that they should be past a stage by now.
Using alcohol or drugs to dull the waves instead of letting them pass.

You can do this when …a strong wave of grief arrives months after a loss and you can name it, let it pass, and still trust that you are grieving normally.