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3.3

Apologising properly

Name what you did, take the blame and offer to repair it, with no 'but'.

Two women sitting by a white brick wall, looking at each other.
Photo: Liza Summer / Pexels
Area: PeopleFrom age 12Time to learn: 10 minutes to learn; practice each time you get something wrong

You will be able to make an apology that takes responsibility and helps repair the relationship.

Why it matters

A weak apology can sound like an excuse and make things worse. In experiments with 755 people, apologies that contained more of six key parts worked better. The two most important parts were taking responsibility and offering to repair the harm.

How to do it

  1. Wait until you can speak calmly, but do not let it drag on for days.
  2. Say exactly what you did: 'I told Jordan what you told me in private.'
  3. Take responsibility in plain words: 'That was wrong, and it was my fault.'
  4. Say you are sorry and show you understand the harm: 'I'm sorry. You trusted me and I broke that.'
  5. Explain only if it helps them understand, in one sentence. Never use it as an excuse.
  6. Offer to repair: 'I'll tell Jordan I was out of line. Is there anything else that would help?'
  7. Say what you will do differently: 'I won't share your private things again.'
  8. Stop and let them respond. Do not demand forgiveness or ask them to say it is okay.
  9. Keep your promise. The change is what makes the apology believable.

Common mistakes

  • Adding 'but': 'I'm sorry, but you were rude first.' It cancels everything before it.
  • Apologising for their feelings: 'I'm sorry if you were offended.' That puts the blame on them.
  • Explaining so much that it becomes a defence.
  • Pushing for forgiveness on the spot.
You can do this when …you can apologise in under a minute, naming what you did, taking responsibility and offering a repair, with no 'but' and no 'if'.

Sources

  1. The Ohio State University: The 6 elements of an effective apology, according to science
  2. Lewicki, Polin and Lount, An exploration of the structure of effective apologies (Negotiation and Conflict Management Research, 2016)

Sources and numbers last checked . How we check

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← 3.2 previous lesson: Asking a question in front of a group · 3.4 → next lesson: Disagreeing without insults
1Body16 lessons
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  4. 1.4Riding a bike
  5. 1.5Getting up off the floor without your hands
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  8. 1.8How often should you wash your hair
  9. 1.9Reading a nutrition label
  10. 1.10Sleeping with your phone outside the bedroom
  11. 1.11Doing 10 full push-ups
  12. 1.12How to stretch your hip flexors
  13. 1.13How to swaddle a newborn, and when to stop
  14. 1.14Reading a prescription label
  15. 1.15Booking a doctor's appointment and describing symptoms
  16. 1.16Knowing your blood pressure
2Mind15 lessons
  1. 2.1Staying with boredom
  2. 2.2Naming what you feel
  3. 2.3Grounding yourself after a fright
  4. 2.4Letting someone see you upset
  5. 2.5What to wear to a funeral, where to sit, and what to say
  6. 2.6What to write in a sympathy card
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  11. 2.11The 7 stages of grief, and why grief comes in waves instead
  12. 2.12Telling a friend you're not okay
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  14. 2.14Building a habit by tying it to an old one
  15. 2.15Spending an evening alone without screens
3People17 lessons
  1. 3.1Introducing yourself and asking a question back
  2. 3.2Asking a question in front of a group
  3. 3.3Apologising properly · You are here
  4. 3.4Disagreeing without insults
  5. 3.5Writing a clear email, subject line to sign-off
  6. 3.6Comforting someone who is crying
  7. 3.7What to say to someone who lost a loved one
  8. 3.8Saying no without an excuse
  9. 3.9Phoning a business
  10. 3.10How to burp a newborn
  11. 3.11Asking for consent
  12. 3.12Resigning from a job in writing
  13. 3.13Answering interview questions with the STAR method
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  15. 3.15How to write an obituary
  16. 3.16Speaking up in a meeting
  17. 3.17Pausing an argument
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