What to wear to a funeral, where to sit, and what to say

Go, dress quietly, and say less than you think you need to.

Black-and-white photo of mourners in dark clothes seated in rows at an indoor funeral service, one comforting another with a hand on the shoulder — Photo: Pavel Danilyuk / Pexels

Area: MindFrom age 12Time to learn: 10 minutes

Wear dark, conservative clothes unless the family asks for something else, sit behind the rows kept for family, keep your phone fully silent, and offer the family a short, sincere sentence such as 'I am so sorry.' Being there says most of what needs saying.

Why it matters

Many people worry about saying the wrong thing at a funeral, but a short, sincere sentence is enough, and the familiar phrases people reach for are often the ones to avoid. A few rules about dress, seating and conduct cover most services. The obituary or death notice tells you the rest: when and where the service is, whether it is open to the public, and whether the family wants flowers or donations.

How to do it

Read the obituary or death notice for the time and place, and whether the service is public or private. If it is private, do not attend; send a note instead.
Dress conservatively in dark or muted colors, such as a dark suit or jacket and tie, or a dark dress, skirt or trousers. Black is not required, but whatever you wear should be clean, neat and pressed. Pallbearers usually wear a dark suit. If the family asks guests to wear something else, follow their request. When visiting a Hindu family at home after a death, wear white rather than black.
Arrive on time and come in quietly. If you are late and a procession has started, wait outside until it has passed, then enter your row from a side aisle, not the center aisle.
If there is a guest book, sign it with your full name.
Turn your phone off or set it to fully silent, not vibrate, and do not take photos during the service.
Leave the front rows for the family and pallbearers. Close friends sit nearest the front behind them, and acquaintances and colleagues sit in the middle or toward the back.
Sit quietly and do not get up during the service unless you must. Follow the people around you: stand when they stand and sit when they sit. At a service from a faith that is not yours, join in as far as your own beliefs allow. You do not have to kneel or say prayers that go against your beliefs, but stay quietly in your seat.
When you reach the family, keep it short: 'I am so sorry,' or 'I am here for you.' If you knew the person, add one brief, kind memory, then move on so others can speak to them.
If the notice says 'in lieu of flowers', give to the charity it names instead of sending flowers. Afterwards, send a short handwritten note that says what you truly feel, ideally with a kind word or memory about the person.

Common mistakes

Saying 'Everything happens for a reason', 'It is God's will', 'God does not give us more than we can bear' or 'I know just how you feel'.
Leaving your phone on vibrate, or taking photos.
Sitting in the front rows when you are not family.
Staying away because you do not know what to say. A few words are enough.

You can do this when …you can choose an outfit from your own wardrobe, say where you would sit, and say your one sentence to the family without rehearsing it.