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3.11

Asking for consent

Ask before each step, wait for a clear yes, and treat anything else as a no.

A young couple engaged in a conversation while sitting on a beige couch indoors.
Photo: Gustavo Fring / Pexels
Area: PeopleFrom age 15Time to learn: 15 minutes to learn; lifelong practice

You will be able to ask for consent in plain words and respond to a no with respect.

SafetyIf someone has sexually assaulted you, it is not your fault. In the US, call the RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-4673. In Canada, young people can call Kids Help Phone at 1-800-668-6868 or text CONNECT to 686868, and adults can find a local sexual assault centre or crisis line through the Ending Sexual Violence Association of Canada. In either country, call or text 988 in a crisis, or call 911 if you are in danger.

Why it matters

Consent means a clear, freely given yes, and it can be taken back at any time. Sexual contact without it is assault. Being asked is also how people feel safe with each other.

Nearly half of US women and more than 1 in 6 US men have experienced contact sexual violence in their lifetimes.
Source: US CDC, National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey 2023/2024, 2025.Self-reported

How to do it

  1. Ask out loud before you start anything new: 'Can I kiss you?' or 'Do you want to keep going?'
  2. Wait for a clear, willing yes. Silence, 'I guess', a shrug, freezing or pulling away all mean no.
  3. Ask again each time things change. A yes to one thing is not a yes to everything.
  4. Check in along the way: 'Is this okay?' Watch their face and body as well as their words.
  5. If they say no or seem unsure, stop right away. Say 'Okay, thanks for telling me,' and give them space or change the activity.
  6. Do not pressure, guilt, sulk or ask again and again. A yes given under pressure is not consent.
  7. Know who cannot consent: anyone who is drunk, high, asleep or passed out, and anyone under the legal age of consent.
  8. Know the law in Canada. The age of consent is 16. A 16- or 17-year-old cannot consent to someone in a position of trust or authority, like a coach or teacher.
  9. Canada has close-in-age exceptions. A 14- or 15-year-old can consent with a partner less than 5 years older, and a 12- or 13-year-old with a partner less than 2 years older, only if there is no relationship of trust, authority or dependency.
  10. Know the law in the US. Each state sets its own rules. The age of consent ranges from 16 to 18, and many states also have rules on age gaps between partners.

Common mistakes

  • Assuming a past yes, a relationship or flirting means yes now.
  • Treating silence or no resistance as consent.
  • Sulking or getting angry after a no.
  • Asking once at the start and never checking in.
You can do this when …asking 'Is this okay?' feels normal to you, and you can hear no and stop without arguing or sulking.

Sources

  1. Planned Parenthood: Sexual consent
  2. Department of Justice Canada: Age of consent to sexual activity
  3. US Office on Women's Health: Sexual assault
  4. US HHS (ASPE): Statutory rape, a guide to state laws (2004)
  5. Ending Sexual Violence Association of Canada: Sexual assault centres, crisis lines and support services

Sources and numbers last checked . How we check

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